You’re probably reading the title and may be a little confused. But today I thought of the next couple of weeks and what they represent.
You see, it was this time last year when my husband and I were planning our BIG reveal that we were expecting a little rugrat! We are nervous and excited and scared out of our minds that we had gotten pregnant as quickly as we did. At this point we were about 8 weeks waiting patiently for our first appointment. I remember so many emotions were running through my head.
Was it a girl or a boy?
What if it was twins?
How was I going to manage it all?
Would I be a good mother?
Would I be able to handle the coordinated chaos?
How would it be with Jeff gone all the time?
So many questions and none of them could be answered. I remember my sense of smell was bizarre. I could pick up on any smell and either be completely grossed out or it would trigger a craving for something. I was exhausted, literally sleeping as if I had never slept the night before. I remember the prenatal vitamins I was taking all of sudden made me sick to my stomach.
Leading up to our appointment I was feeling decent. Still sensitive to smells but the nausea had gone away. I attributed it to the fact that I was a pretty healthy individual and thought I was a lucky one who never got true morning sickness.
We had our first appointment on my husband’s birthday. I remember when the ultrasound tech confirmed the pregnancy turning to him and saying happy birthday you’re really having a kid! haha I also remember the tech telling us how she is always the person to find twins. I laughed and went on to stare at the screen in amazement that this was all real, but at the same time I was looking at the screen trying to figure it what the heck she was seeing.
After a few minutes she said I think I found twins. My heart stopped, twins? Are you sure? She went on to show the possibility of a second heartbeat. Now I was the one freaking out. I must have asked 20 times, are you sure? She told me it was too hard to tell but that she would have the doctor look at it.
About 30 minutes later, while waiting for the doctor to come in and give us all the details for our next steps. She asked about my last menstrual cycle and told us that I was measuring 5 weeks 6 days. I thought I was 9 weeks. Odd, right? I asked if it was normal and she said yes it can happen that the dates are wrong. She asked if my cycles were normal 28 days in length. I honestly had no idea. I had only had 3 periods after getting off birth control. Who knows what was normal?
She gave us our packet of information and said that she couldn’t confirm twins and said she wanted us to come back in two weeks later since I was not at the desired 8-week mark yet. So we left believing everything was fine and continued to plan the big reveal to both of our families.
On Halloween everything changed. I will spare the details but lets just say it ended in a trip to the ER and an ultrasound later that we were experiencing a miscarriage. I laid on the gurney trying to keep myself composed when every fiber in my being wanted to scream and cry. This is NOT what I had expected. I was heart-broken. I left the hospital in silence. 3am in the morning we made a trip to Walmart to stock up on diapers for grown women. I crawled into bed without saying a word, totally and utterly broken. There was no emotion. I was left raw trying to make sense of it all. The next day we went to see my parents. It was not the announcement I had planned on making. We were scheduled to celebrate my hubby’s birthday the next day but I knew I had to tell them before then. I wanted nothing more than to have the distraction with my siblings.
As the week continued to pass revealing the pregnancy and the loss all within moments of each other broke my heart even more. The hardest was seeing my husband, the man who had always been my rock, break down to share his sadness with his parents. Nothing could be said to make it better, no hug was long enough to take away the hurt. The days dragged on. I remember feeling numb. I didn’t have a word to say nor the ability to do life.
It was the darkest time I had ever experienced. I didn’t think it would end. The pain in my chest was unforgettable. Today as I thought of the upcoming weeks and where we were just a short year ago. It hurts. As I sit here writing, I’m holding back the tears.
I know the possibility to feel the pain of a year ago could be hard. So I sit here in the unexpected feelings that I may or may not have these next few weeks. The reality is that the feelings are validated, I expect them to come. I don’t know when, and I definitely don’t know how the feelings will make me feel. I don’t know where they may lead.
Do I think these upcoming days will be hard. Yes. Do I know how to process them? Maybe. I see my therapist next week to discuss but I honestly want to appreciate the feelings. Yes they broke me. Yes the scars are still there. But that’s the beauty in the scar, they will never go away. I will honor my baby by honoring whatever feelings come my way. Tears are allowed. Tears are welcomed. There is beauty in the storm and I will continue to put my focus on that. The scar has made me a better person. My baby was never held in my arms but they made an impact on my life that will never be forgotten. And that my friends is a beautiful tragedy. Unexpected expectancy. The unexpected kind of feelings will come. And I’m truly ok with that.