Waiting for the right moment.
Waiting for the right situation.
Waiting for answers.
Waiting for the job opportunity.
Waiting for the right words to say.
You can seriously wait for anything these days. And it’s not my favorite thing to do. Waiting makes me anxious. It makes my mind wonder and often times to places I don’t like to admit they go to. I think the hardest thing to do is to wait. It’s the anticipation of when. It’s the idea that we don’t have control of the when. Or if you’re like me, you try to control the outcome by forcing it then regret it when it happens. Ugh. Waiting.
This past year has been a lot of waiting. And I’m learning what it means to be patient in the waiting season. The anticipation I have going into this upcoming week is somewhat nerve-wrecking. We will be starting the process of testing to hopefully understand why my body doesn’t want to stay pregnant. I don’t know what is to come. I don’t know how I will react but the clock is counting down to find answers.
From there we wait and see what will be the next step in the journey. It’s hard not to imagine what’s next. It’s hard to stay in the moment of what’s true right now. I can tell you my mind LOVES to wander. I’ve even thought up a scenario in my head where I show up to our appointment and the doctor tells us that we’re already pregnant. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? All that waiting to test why we can’t stay pregnant and we just happen to already be pregnant and out of the caution zone.
The reality is that I don’t like the idea of not being able to control the situation. And because I can’t control it, I almost want nothing to do with it. Out of sight out of mind mentality. Which isn’t really healthy either? So what do I do? I wait. I sit in it and run through all of the different scenarios as possible movie endings. But here is the freedom… I just sit and enjoy them. I don’t become attached to any of them, because they are all still plausible. That’s the beauty of the waiting season. EVERYTHING and ANYTHING is possible.
It’s a hard practice to live out on the daily but I’m learning and we know when we practice it, we can get better at it. Sitting here on a Sunday night thinking of all the waiting I’m doing in my personal and professional life allows me the freedom to dream. Do I have my best case scenario, YUP! We all like those of course. And do I have the worst case scenarios… sadly yes. They’re there and I have to acknowledge them because like I said before, they are ALL possible outcomes.
Waiting is hard when you get attach to your perfect ending or you’re like me and think up your worst case scenario and replay that bad boy in your head constantly. Those moments suck but moments don’t last forever, so when I catch myself on repeat I change the channel. It’s like when you have a song playing on your phone and you don’t realize that the song has played four times in a row… yeah my possible outcomes end up like that.
Here’s a thought, though. Why can’t I replay the best case scenario outcomes on repeat… That would be amazing, right? That’s the shift I practice. Change the channel to what you want to listen to or in this case live out. Knowing all to well that any scenario is possible. That I think is going to be key for me this week. Constantly changing the channel. Focus on what is absolutely true of the right here and right now moments.
The thought of doing that brings me comfort… and well turning everything over to God. At the end of the day it’s in his control right? He writes my story. He wrote the movie ending. And let’s face it, there are a million different options because it’s going to be my choice in how I react which he will lead me down for the good of my life. That to me my friends, is freeing and exhilarating at the same time.
I know it will end well for us… and if it doesn’t then it’s not the end. It’ll be the start of something beautiful. I’m just not to the end, yet!