I realize everything in the future is truly unknown, but as I wait here for Baby K, waiting for the unknown is paralyzing me from living in the present. I’m not sure if I’m feeling worried, scared, content, nervous or excited. I’m sitting in truly the unknown. Meaning I can’t even put a finger on my feelings. I just know that it’s paralyzing.
I have work to do, things to be done and yet the only thing I can do right now is write about what I’m not feeling.
We have about 4 weeks until our due date. I know I can’t keep living in this mindset so I’m hoping to process it out loud is some sort of therapy session with myself and whoever comes across this entry.
Two years ago, we started trying to conceive. It was an idea that had been foreign to us in the 7 years of our relationship. We had been living the good life. We traveled a lot, we had a dream wedding, we bought a home. We were good. But then everything changed when I met my niece for the first time. It was instant love and I wanted one of my own.
So we made the decision. Let’s just try. In my head I believed it would take awhile to get pregnant since I had been on birth control for 7 years. But of course, I truly knew nothing and got pregnant within a couple of months.
The unknown path that we were on wasn’t paralyzing like it is right now. We did the deed and we waited for a yes or no answer. After the first miscarriage, I had to get good at living in the present. Between my women’s group and therapy, I processed my unmet expectations that the road to parenthood would be a straight shot, no speedbumps or detours. To me the steps were simple.
Overtime and with a lot of therapy and through a second miscarriage, I would say I got comfortable with living with what was true in that moment not in the ‘what-if’s’. My mindset with this pregnancy has been exactly that. “What is true in this moment right now?”
I have experienced such peace of mind knowing that I could not control every possible outcome. I’ve had a open palms approach knowing that the journey was defined for me, I just needed to take it one day at a time. It’s been good. I’ve had a lot of experienced mamas give me the thumbs up in my mindset approach. But as this part of the journey is coming to an end, my mindset has been challenged.
Life is going to change. There are a lot of unknowns and I’m having trouble living in the moment. Maybe because the moments are the hardest they’ve been. I’m fighting a cold, my body is starting to ache all day, I am feeling all sorts of pressure in my pelvic area and the time is ticking — we are coming into the finish line of this stage.
I guess it’s perfectly normal to be fogged by all of the what-if’s as long as I can identify that that is where I’m at. Bringing it back to the moment is what’s going to be the challenge but like anything in life, once you become aware of something that is no longer serving you, you get to choose. Do I want to stay here or move forward?
A simple question. Easy enough to answer. But often times challenging to do. The reality is, I have to decide, and if I don’t then I’m making the decision to stay exactly where I’m at. Ouch. Harsh reality.
So here we go, moving forward. Working on getting out of the fog, one moment at a time…