For a long time I had never experienced anxiety. But that because of two reasons. I didn’t know how to feel. And I didn’t know what it felt like to be anxious. Since my second pregnancy I have had lots of anxious moments. Most times I can relax my mind enough to slow my heart beat down. It’s hard to get out of your head. It’s like you are having a million thoughts and you have no idea which one is actually causing you angst.
These days I can pinpoint where its coming from.
In a few weeks we go back to the doctors to discuss potential tests we can do to hopefully determine why we’ve experienced two consecutive miscarriages. I know the tests are harmless and I’m not afraid of that. What has been feeling difficult is to determine my reaction or emotions once we receive the tests back. Will it be a simple fix or will it give us an answer that is not something you want to hear.
At this moment, I’m holding on to the only truth I can be 100% fact, I CAN get pregnant. Since sharing my story, I have heard so many women have such difficulty getting pregnant. So I am thankful for that truth. But reality is, just because I can GET pregnant doesn’t mean I can STAY pregnant. I know there is no logical proof that I can’t stay pregnant so I’m hopeful. The sheer number of women who simply take a supplement to help their bodies is apparently super common. But lets face it, no one wants to hear that something is wrong with them.
I had the assumption that since I was healthy and somewhat young, staying pregnant would be a no-brainer. But the jokes on me. I’m learning instead how to deal with my emotions on a deeper level. I can tell you I want to paralyze my thoughts. I want to skip to the day that we get the results. But I know in my heart that is not possible. There is something to be learned here. I don’t want to go through it, but that is the only way.
The mind is a trippy thing… the anxiety that is coming at me has affected my sleep. The past few nights I have had some wild dreams mostly involving a threat to my safety. They are the ones you wake up in a panic because you think you are about to be attack. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the enemy trying to seep into my thoughts, it’s working to some degree, but I know by shedding some light on it, it will be as crazy as it sounds which in turn makes me laugh.
I don’t know what the tests will bring in a few weeks but I do know that this is an opportunity to trust God with the plans he has for my life. At this point all I want is peace. Of course the mind will wander and I’m ok with going through the potential scenarios, but I do not want this to overtake my life. I do not want to be paralyzed by the unknown. I know that everything, good or bad, can be used for good so at this moment, I am holding onto that truth.
Can I just tell you how powerful that makes me feel. To release that anxiety is bringing tears of joy to my eyes. I don’t have to worry. I don’t have to be cared. All I have to do is surrender it to him. Be patient and continue to be courageous. That is where freedom of anxiety breaks through. Time will tell. Relax. Breathe. Time will tell.