Have you ever been to Las Vegas and pretended your name was something else… And once someone believes your name is really that, you take on a whole new persona? No? Well that was me, back in the day when I was completely outside my comfort zone in Vegas dressed like I would have never dressed in my hometown going out. Acting and maybe drinking a little too much.
Disclaimer: this was back at the rightful age of 22. I was single and ready to mingle. OR at least my alter ego was. This was when I felt brave enough to be someone different. Sure I was pretending and it was just a name, but with that name change, I felt like I could do anything or say anything.
Ever since going FB live about my miscarriage, I hear people telling me that I am brave for sharing my story. But in all honesty I never felt brave doing it. I didn’t know what was going to come out of my mouth. I had my notes of what I wanted to say but there was no guarantee that it would actually happen. I believe I have the tendency to get over think what I want to say, and then become critical of how I say something and well it can go downhill pretty fast. So flying by the seat of my pants is often times a better tactic for me.
But here’s the reality, I don’t think brave is an actual quality. It’s more or less something you do. It’s an act. Something you choose to do in spite of fear. It spite of judgment. In spite of doubt. It’s an action. And it doesn’t happen overnight.
Sharing something so painful was not a one time decision. There were a plethora of decisions that lined up for me to make the easy yes of sharing the loss. And it all started with my willingness to honest with myself. I was scared. But just like I don’t want to be alone in a dark room, I didn’t want to be alone with these feelings. So I choose to open up to a friend. Someone I trusted wouldn’t judge me for my fears or my sadness. And this didn’t start with the miscarriage. I had opened up to my friend about a lot of things, good and bad.
One thing I remember doing before opening up, was just being open to whatever reaction was going to come my way. There was no expectations. I didn’t know what I needed from my friends and so I couldn’t react to their reactions until I could truly know how I would feel if they acted in a certain way. For a long time I depended on the feelings of others to decide how I felt about something. It took a lot of courage for me to respect myself enough to allow myself to have a voice. I wasn’t good with feeling feelings. You could say that saying the word “feelings” was like using the “f***” word. You just don’t.
Finding your brave isn’t always the big noticeable things. Sometimes its simply acknowledging where you’re at knowing that you don’t have to stay there. Recognizing that you have the power to change. Maybe not change your circumstances, because belive me, I would have changed mine in a heartbeat, but you can change your mindset towards your circumstance. I can tell you when you make that simple mental shift, everything can change.
Stay true to you. Respect yourself enough to listen to your thoughts and if you don’t like the thoughts do a brave thing and have courage to shift. Ask yourself, “is this 100% fact?” If it’s not then look for other options, if it is, change your focus to find the good. Have courage to ask a friend to help you. Do brave.