The D word

I would never have thought that I would one day be considered a divorcee. We were young. I am the girl that you didn’t want to be, marry in hopes it would change the relationship. Yup that was me.

Now while I take full responsibility for ending the marriage I also have to take full responsibility for not speaking up. We were engaged for a year and a half when we finally took the dive and if I had only seen the signs, maybe I would have never gone done to the courthouse that day. BUt the reality is that I didn’t see the signs because I was full of hope that the marital status change would also change our relationship.

He was not a bad guy. He was never mean to me. He came from an amazing family of support. But we were on complete opposite sides of the spectrum when it came to how we were going to build our future together. He wanted to live with his parents to have in-home child care and I wanted to create a home just the two of us.

Not that having help was a bad idea. I had freely moved in with him and his parents to save money but I wanted to eventually have a place of our own. We were in our mid-20’s. A bunch of our friends were living on their own, and I wanted what they had.

But here’s the truth, I never fully spoke up. I never put my foot down and said that living with his parents as parents was a deal breaker. Had I done that, things may have turned out different. I dind’t like to rock the boat and yet I was so head strong about the things I wanted. It was a “my way or the highway” mentality. But since we were at his parents, I was the one headed to the highway.

It’s been 10 years since that bold decision for my life. It was the hardest best decision I could have ever made for MYSELF. I didn’t have a ton of support. I often was told to give it some more time or asked if I had tried counseling. Every once in a while people would look at me in confusion like, what’s so bad about that?

At the time, my mind was set. I was so unhappy and I did not like the person I was becoming. I would be a nag to him. I would pretend to be asleep when he got home and any chance I had to not be home, I choose to be out. It was sad to think that I did not want to go home to be with my husband on Christmas Eve after a morning of work and choose to go shopping with a girlfriend. BUt that was the life I was living.

And so January 4th, 2009. I made the decision to leave. Two weeks later I moved my stuff out and a few months after that I filed for divorce. From the moment we separated, we had been married for a total of 149 days. The divorce process took longer then we were married but that’s another story.

The truth is, I’m not proud of this fact about my life. I never thought I would have to walk that road by myself but I did and I’m grateful for the journey. It gave me the strength to go for what I wanted in life. It taught me many lessons about relationships.

For the first 6 months of our separation, I pointed the finger at him as though it was all his fault I left. I didn’t want to accept that I had a part in the failed marriage. Over time in a new relationship, I learned how to take responsibility for my life even though it was easier to point the finger. Pointing fingers diesn’t teach you anything. I had to look inward to discover how to have a different outcome. I had to learn how to speak up for my own personal well-being. No one can decide that for you.

I wish I hadn’t gotten married. I wish I had spoken up before we signed the papers. I wish I had recognized that I wasn’t ever going to be happy. I don’t know where I would be if I had stayed there. I know it doesn’t matter. The journey of life is an adventure. I accept the fact that I am a divorcee, but I won’t let that define who I am today.