Waiting for the other shoe to drop…
Ever have the feeling that life is going good and you’re just waiting for something to go wrong?
Yup that thought is a constant in my life these days. I can’t say it’s all day everyday feeling but there are definitely moments where I’m just waiting, is this the day where I get sucked into sadness.
I hate that that is a reality of mine. But it is. I get sad every once in awhile. And that is not a problem. The problem really is that I sometimes allow that thought to grow into reality. It’s almost as if I expect or think to myself that I should be sad so the thought manifest into me actually being sad.
But here’s the truth, I have not idea why I think I should be sad in the first place. A lot of times I feel like I processed my grief o my second miscarriage too easily. Did I cry, yes. Was I mad, yup. Was I disappointed, you better believe it.
But with experiencing all of that, twice in the last year, I know that getting stuck in those emotions are not healthy.
In the last year I have learned that being sad, angry, disappointed is perfectly okay. Before my miscarriages I would have just “gotten over it”. I would have convinced myself that “everyone has them, so stop being a baby about it.” I would have pulled up my bootstraps and just put it behind me.
But if I have learned anything from having a coach and going through therapy is that, it is ok to be emotional. What I experienced was sad. It was hard.
I often explain it this way… emotions are like waves of the ocean. The first couple of waves probably hit you like a tidal wave. Unexpected. Uninvited. But there is no stopping it. The waves keep coming. Eventually you learn how to stand. You learn how to prepare for it. Some waves hit harder then others. As you get more comfortable you realize that there are toys you can use like a boogie board or a surf board. And you start attempting to use the toys to enjoy the waves.
Like before the waves give you a run for your money. You probably fall off the boards quite a few times but eventually you start to get the hang of it. You start to enjoy it.
Some waves hit harder than others and others give you pure joy. Either way our emotions are like those waves. They come regardless and it’s up to us to ride them, stand in them or sometimes we get hit unexpectedly by them. No matter what they come. And no matter what, we learn to survive.
All that to say, I sometimes live in expectation of a tidal wave to knock me off my feet and it doesn’t actually come. Sometimes I think to myself, “here it comes” just to find out that it was a flop.
I’m realizing that when I focus on the size of the wave instead of simply experiencing it, I live in fear. ANd if I’m being honest, I hate knowing that I’m living in fear of what’s to come. So I guess you can say that this is my confession and acknowledgement to make a change and live as life comes to me and embrace the unexpected emotional rollercoaster and stop waiting for the wave to knock me off my life. It’ll happen, and when it does, I’ll know how to swim and get back up on my feet!