Ok so up until 6 months ago, I did not dream and I definietly did not FEEL emotions. I was sadly proud to say, “I don’t cry!” I wore it like a badge of honor. There was this one time I had a personal training client who came in with a list of movies that had amazing touching storylines that made the average person cry, and I puffed out my chest and said nope to every single one.
To me, crying was a sign of weakness. And I wanted to prove to the world I was not weak. I was the opposite. I am strong. I wanted to be the example of what a strong person looked liked. And it worked, people saw me as a condifent strong independent woman. And on the surface I was exactly that. But on the inside, I struggled with never really enough. I could put on a show for everyone but when I was in the walls of my home, I felt empty, weak and a hypocrite. So I got busy.
So busy in fact that I couldn’t dream. I felt that the more I did was another way to show I was sucessful, the busy-ness badge of honor. But looking back what I truly accomplished was numbing out.
I was so incredibly busy that I couldn’t feel the high’s or the low’s in life. I was in some regards smooth sailing. I didn’t want to rock the boat because I might feel something I didn’t want to feel and so staying busy from sunrise to sunset was my way of coping.
And for 7 years, it worked. That was until I got tired. I would have thoughts like, “is this it?” “Is this going to be the rest of my life?” Sure the money was good, but the freedom of time was not. Yes, I was proud of what I accomplished but I felt a tug in my heart that there was more. And I wanted more but here laid the problem. How could I possible dream of more for my life, if I was so busy just trying to survive the one I created?
The shiny badge I wore for years was started to fade and I was exhausted. At one point not too long ago, my life consisted of the following
- I was going to school for massage therapy
- I was running my personal training business (with trainers)
- I was the director of a high school dance program that consisted of 2 teams.
- I was planning my wedding
- I started a health coaching practice under the umbrella of my PT business
That list doesn’t include, being a fiance, sister, daughter and friend. Which if I’m being honest, I was none of those because they came 2nd to the list. Looking at that life now, makes me tired just thinking about it. Of course the question Jeff and I got was… are you going to have kids right away?
My answer was always, how? He travels 2/3 of the year, and I had a schedule like that. How the heck would kids fit in the picture and me stay sane. People always told me, you just figure it out. I was struggling to stay afloat with my own schedule and now you want me to throw kids in the mix? Ya, no thank you.
But here’s the beauty of life and my relationship I’ve created with God. When you pursue that, he opens (and closes) doors for you. I absolutely LOVED everything I was doing, how was I suppose to let go of any of it. I wanted more but how? So this is what happened…
- The massage school closed. Literally out of the blue, shutdown. I was 300 hours away from finishing to get my HHP license. Boom. Closed door. I still managed to get my massage license and by the grace of God, financial constraint was wiped clean, no debt attached.
- Personal Training business is still ongoing, but I closed a big portion of it because the lack of attendance did not make it worth my time.
- The athletic director allowed me to terminate my contract early and step down from the director position because the stress and time commitment was overwhelming and it had started to affect my personal health and well-being.
- I got married.
- My health coaching business flourished. Giving me the ability to walk away from massage and PT.
- My family and friends got me back. I am more present and healthy than I have ever been.
All of this was done BEFORE, I accepted Jesus Christ into my life as truth. I was just exploring faith. Looking back I can honestly say THANK GOODNESS for the grace of God. Ending the cycle and taking the badge of honor that says I’m successful because I’m busy has allowed me so much MORE time in life.
And because of that TIME, it has given me the opportunity to dream bigger. It has allowed me to feel everything from sadness to happiness and doubt to hope. Dreaming big requires strength and courage. It can be scary to dream of what’s possible and being able to step into those dreams can sometimes feel overwhelming. But what I do know NOW… is that my faith in God is bigger than any challenge or fear thought I have had. Every hurt, every disappointment as well as every win and every joy will serve a purpose in the process. I’m overwhelmed with excitement to see the dreams come true.
Don’t get me wrong, each day brings it’s own set of challenges but also with each day that I step towards those dreams it gets a little bit easier and my faith gets a little bit stronger.